high school and all the bullshit that goes on before during and after it

so im sitting and i just finished watching easy A a movie that is funny but has some very sad truths to it the school that she goes to has to some how be related to mine because at my high school if you went to a party with friend and there was a guy and you stood by him then that meant some how some way you had sex with him even if you never left a crowded room  believe me it happened to me a couple times and i smoked dope got pregnant and gave hand jobs to a guy at the lunch table that was next to the table where all the teachers and the principle sat ... on a regular bases yep i was a regular walking talking skanky bad ass yep that was me and im pretty sure half if not more of the people in my school didn't know who i was till mid to end of sophomore year the only thing they knew about me was who my best friend was at school and some knew who it was out of  school but it never actually accured to any one to actually ask me if any of those things i "DID" were true and the sad part is life isn't like the movies or book or even the really good 80's movies the things you did , didn't do, or might have done only part of it  people still think you did and there's only a small chance that by the time you go to your 10 year reunion some of those same people will have grown up enough to stop giving a damn about what you did or DIDN'T do at 16 and not act like they didn't do the exact same thing but if they did do it  it was ok because they had better clothes,friends,shrink and,or plastic surgeons.any way the point to all of this is do what you want how you want and love who you want break up with them love them again and then realize their a complete lying  commitment phob ass who uses the fact that you love so easily  take time to just have fun and not care what society thinks or says and then take a chance on a guy who you would normally never think about taking a chance on and realize it was the best chance on life,and love you have made in your life and live love and learn from him your love isn't easy by any means and be the bad ass you know you can be and tell all the haters to screw off cause you know what you can follow the rules of life you know the ones that say date a good guy for a decent time move in together get engaged married house kids good job you love bigger house good car a mini van retire  travel the story book bull shit or do it all backasswords and love every minute of it . or do what ever you want with whom ever you want just enjoy it.

these times are hard

i fear every time i get a bill that it will be to high and this time i was right i didn't know what to do but thankfully i have the love of my life to help me realize its not the end of the world i think iv got it half way figured out .and yes we will have to move to a smaller place but that's ok it will help us focus on us we don't mind helping others because we have been helped by so many people before,but right now we need to help ourselves  but in the word of my Grammy keep your head up girl no one ever got to where they want to be without dark times .and shes right but i think i see the light at the end of the tunnel its not 2ft in front of me but its not a million miles away anymore and i don't think i could have been brought up any better with out the help of my Grammy she and my papa have always been there to steer me in the right direction when i start to get off my path they are the yin and yang to raising me and i only hope that one day i can be half the parents they didn't half to be . i love yall and i hope if yall read this you know i owe you more then anything my gratitude i fear i would be like "her" if it weren't for you believing in me .

the "H" word ...."hoarder" being the child of a hoarder

growing up i always knew that my family was a little different . my dad enjoyed a beer the same as everyone else and sometimes more, and my mom well my mom did her best to raise two kids on her own but she also is a adult who suffers from bipolar .it was not normal to be 9 years old know how to do your laundry i would later learn hoarding .it started like it does for most,her Avon stuff then boxes of the kids art work and whatnot then became boxes of things both my sister  and i knew she didn't need but she would refuse to get rid of as i got older i realized that the way i lived was not normal or ok but at 9 years old i didn't know how to fix it and as i grew up it became worse even faster alot of the things mom would hoard were things she wanted to use to help others but it just never seemed to leave the house and when i was 12 my mom at almost 40 had my little sister and then it wasn't just about me dealing with it  and i honestly thought that maybe my sister would make her change how we lived but it didn't and again it just kept getting worse i never had friends over because i didn't want them to see how crowded it was or the roaches  and dirty dishes every where eventually the hoarding along with feeling like a live in sitter lead me to move into my dads the summer before my freshman year and from that point on i told myself i would never let myself live that way and though it is hard and i know that hoarding is a mental disability and is also hereditary i remind myself that i will not let my kids go through ,but even though i have the disease under control everytime i see a show about hoarders i think that could be my mom or is that what her house looks like iv learned to never be surprised by what i see when i go to my moms but sometimes i see her house and how my sister is forced to live knowing no other way to live because that's how she grew up and i get angry,sad,and hurt all at the same time because this disease could easily take over my 10 year old sister or end up costing my mom my sister .  its not normal to have to worry if your autistic sister who has enough problems to live with will add hoarder to that list or grow up almost hating what our mom has become like i have .i will never stop loving my mom but a child no madder how old can only take so much and can only make excuses for so long before they say i have no defense to that  and have to walk away with their head hanging down with sorrow .i didn't write this to embarrass my mom or my family but i have only so much i can hold in before it spills out i write this because i know im not the only child of a hoarder and maybe this will help someone feel like their not alone .

the many things that go through my mind

my soul is that of a writer but there never seems to be enough time to write it all down so iv made this blog i will warn you now if your one to make judgments or are afraid to find out about my past stop reading now because i will write about it from time to time i will be descrete when it comes to other identity unless they tell me they dont care i will leave nothing hidden when i talk about stuff this is me get used to it or get off my blog