cinderella has nothing on me

my life is no fairy tale i wasnt fair skinned and naturally beautiful completely opposite actually even up until i graduated high school i was made fun of called names made fun of becausec of my looks from my nose,to my hair cut,to my clothes,my weight,who i was dating ,even down to being to being to broke to buy lunch sometimes i was quite at first then i became loud and annoyed at those who thought it was ok to mentally torture




someone i was anorexic self conscious ,i continually got into relationship that wernt good for the simple fact that i wanted to feel loved dont get me wrong i dated a couple good guys in between the assholes,jerks,control freaks,and the were dating but dont tell anyone guys,i had friends who would spill my secrets if i dared pissed them off,i had friends who the minute i walked out the room talked shit about me heck i even had friends who knew i liked a guy and made out with him in front of me ,but i also had friends that till this day no madder what spats we have been through are still there for me at the drop if a hat and i wouldnt trade them for the world ,iv been through alot of things other people havnt and some 

of those things i dont talk about but even though iv been through hell i have come out the other side a better person because i know truly being loved is like in spite of how emotionally damaged i am i have found someone who has been through hell as well and sees the good in me and looks past the bad even when  ts really hard to do so i found that person that within weeks of just knowing each other you know you will fight till the end of time for them and to be with them i know life isnt like movies theres no for sure happy ending theres no for sure that you will grow old together and dying in your true loves srms but i know that the time i do have with that person is never a waste,a mistake,its my dream life i may not be rich i may survive sometimes paycheck to paycheck but i have everything i need and want in my life i have a man who wants to marry me even after all the impossible times we have




been through i have a daughter who looks at me when i get home like im the best person shes seen all day i have waited 3 years to be able to marry him and i would wait the rest of my life if i had to because he has given me everything i never thought i deserved ,calling myself his wife will be a dream come true and an honor they say never say never but i can swear on a bible that i will never hurt him,cheat on him,or use our child against him because i have had all of those things happen to me to and knowing what it feels like i could never put someone i love through that pain .

11 years and we will never be the same

today marks 11 years to the day that our country was forever changed no one knew 11 years ago that this morning would change millions of lives not just those who died in the planes and the towers but the thousands of soldiers who signed up to serve a country that they saw being violated right in front of them the country they had been raised to be so proud of that for so long seemed invincible against others,not since pearl harbor had our country been so caught off guard to what was with out a doubt an act of terrorism.in the last 11 years so much has changed for a country that i my self had once thought was untouchable we have lost so many in so many ways ,because of this war soldiers come home no longer themselves a part of them is left overseas so many innocent young people have seen to much of the worlds true evils and have never been the same so many husbands and fathers,mothers and wives have seen best friends die in front of them and will never be the father and loving husbands,and wives they were when they left,but some gave all and will never return at all,for those who gave it all we are for ever thankful to them and their family's not all of us can know what its like to lose some one you love,because they didn't have to protect us,and are way of life but they did ,they fought in a land they didn't know so that there would be no need to fight here on our homeland,a homeland that has already seen so much horror ,the war may be over but our country and its people will never be the same we will never take lightly to threats and we will never back down we will forever be on our guard so that a day like September,11th will never happen again . so on this day 11 year later i give thanks to those in flight 93,the firefighters,in ny and every person who gave their lives that fateful day and the days following and i want to also give thanks to the soldiers who have given their lives in the fight against terrorism and continue to do so everyday ,thank you and i am forever grateful.

I AM 1IN10

They say 1 in 10 girls/women will be sexually assaulted 6 years ago i became one of those statistics i was on a date with a guy i knew like to "mess around" i was the normal 16 year old girl but there were lines i wouldn't cross and because i knew what kind of guy he was i took my best friend with me we went to see a movie,we sat at one end and she sat at the other she was there just to make sure i felt safe,during this movie we cuddled kissed,and then what i should have known was going to happen did he wanted more i said no he said"come on you know you want to" and at that time he exposed himself  and because we were in a movie no one else could see what he was doing,he kept on and kept on asking i kept saying no but i guess some guys don't know what that means because the last time he asked i said no and he said"look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to" i looked him in the eye and told i didn't want to but i guess he didn't believe me because at that point he  forced my head into his crotch and forced me to give him oral sex and afterwards he went back to watching the movie then got a text message and left ,he left me sitting there by my self when he left i told my friend what had happened,i decided not to tell anyone or report it because i felt that it was my fault, maybe i had done something wrong to make him think that even when i said no i meant yes,i thought of my past with him i had dated him ,i had even went to church with him,was there something in my past with him that made him think he could cross that line ,that i would be OK with it after.people have asked me why i didn't scream,shout,leave, do something to bring attention to what was happening to me, i think if the situation were different if we weren't in a movie theater in a kids movie surrounded by young children and their parents ,yes if the situation couldn't seem worse it was i was scared to the point i didn't know if i could run even if i wanted to and i knew i was in a room full of children who to this day thankfully didn't know what was happening to me .after it happened i went home and sat in the shower and cried and asked god why,did i do something that made me an easy target to this guy,it didn't get easier because when i went dancing with my friends and my cousin i saw him there acting like he didn't have a care in the world, i broke down and started to have a panic attack at the dance club and when i told my cousin what had happened i will never forget what she did she walked on the dance floor where he was dancing with a girl and started screaming at him not caring that she was being stared at by at least a 100 people and for the first time someone believed me someone didn't ask what i had done to make this guy think it was OK but even after that i would still see him in public he would call my cell phone and even though i didn't have his info saved i knew as soon as the number came up who it was and every time my phone would ring my heart would jump with fear i was scared to answer numbers i didn't know for fear it was him ,there was even a night where he called so many times i sat on my bed and cried because i just wanted it to stop ,when ever i would see him in public i would have panic attacks and what made it worse is even to this day i had only told a hand full of people what had happened so when i would have a panic attack i couldn't tell anyone what was bothering me i couldn't explain why i was frozen with fear ,what makes the situation worse is 2 years later me and the same friend who was with me that day couldn't find a ride home so we called a friend who lived in town and asked to stay at his place on his couch he agreed but told me he had a roommate and then told me who it was my friend told me she would protect me if he tried anything but it wasn't me who needed protection,because that night the guy who had sexually assaulted me raped my best friend while i was in the next room and i didn't know what had happened till the next day and when she told me and when she told  him she was pregnant he said if she told anyone he would sue her for slander my friend miscarried and to this day i blame my self for what happened to her i knew what he was capable of and i still let us stay there i should have known something bad would happen after that i was the target of his harassment even when i was 18 and he saw me in a club he would yell profanities at me and call me names,to this day he thinks he did nothing wrong and acts as though we are friends i just don't get it how can someone be such a monster and think its OK that "they wanted it" .

 writing this didn't come out of no where some one told me the other day while were discussing a molestation case that had made the news  maybe i should argue some thing i actually knew about ,this person didn't know what had happened to me but it hurt me so bad that i did what i had done the day it happened to me i sat in the shower and cried ,when a child tells someone they have been molested or sexually assaulted no one doubts them and the first thing they are told the majority of the time is "its not your fault" but when a 16 year old girl says she has been sexually assaulted "its not your fault" is the last thing she's told and i would know of the people i have told only a few didn't ask what had i been doing before that lead him on .i hope that if anyone reads this and is able to not be afraid to speak if it happens to them and because i will one day have to tell my daughter what happened to me and let her know that if god forbid something should happen to her she should never feel ashamed or feel like it is her fault and i want her to feel that myself of all people would understand anything she tells me .

TO MY FAMILY THAT READS THIS I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO BE OK WITH TALKING ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE ELSE I AM WILLING TO TALK TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO TALK

love and what it means to me now

as i sit here writing this i listen to a song that a couple years ago would have reminded me of hurt and heartache and even make me cry on a bad day but now its just a good song by a good band. it is very hard for me to get to that point with a song that before had so much meaning,songs have a very special meanings to me i have a playlist of songs that describe my whole teenage life and then some . i realize that as my life continues in the great direction that it is i realize that what was in my past is there for a reason because i could never be this happy if i was in any of the relationship i used to be in mainly the one that for so long i compared others to the one that looking back now on kept me held down basically allowing my self to be hurt over and over ,i now see that person who WAS a big part of my life as just another person no one who could ever make me rethink my life now just another person i know i can even find for my self being happy for this person as they start their  own life , because i have at this point in my life found the person who i would cross the world for the person who i would do anything for even if it meant packing up and leaving on a minutes notice because life without him seems like a waste of time and energy ,without him i could never push myself to do half the things i have ,he see's me at my worst and still looks at me like im a super model even when that's the last thing i could see my self as,he is the person who despite what others may say i can see the real him the real father and husband who would do anything and give anything for his family and i couldnt ask for anything better then him . love to me now is being in his arms and knowing that im the only one he wants and knowing that i have something no one else has ,his heart and he has mine .i could never have imagined that i could have such a great life but i do . i love you with all my heart Anthony Michael Degel

politically correct or religious beliefs does one mean you cant support the other

over the last couple days i have read and watched clips about the presidential election, and religion arguments involving Kirk camron well even though you may wonder what either has to do with the other if you have watched TV you would know . this election has had more to do with religion then any other since JFK i get a giggle at that but only some will know why anyway back on the farm , religion and politics have never mixed and for a good reason weather republican, or democrat politicians have never been quite able to split the road equally they always tend to lean to one side or the other ,me on the other hand i am a republican but i love to argue on both sides of religious beliefs i guess it comes from being raised by a mother whos  as religiously one sided as they come and a father and family who yes are religious but not like you would think they should be being catholic and southern baptist .i believe that politically i am republican as it comes but if you bring religion into it i take it case by case which rubs some the wrong way .how can you be republican but argue on that ,ill answer bu saying this i agree with Kirk camron when he said he believes that being gay is a sin and gay marriage is a sin ,but before i stop there i also believe that the u.s should legalize weed but treat it the same way they do alcohol,now saying that doesn't mean i smoke it or like it but that i understand that it has its pros and not just its cons,i can look at both sides understand them and argue them with out letting my beliefs get in the way (see i did pay attention in speech class lol)   kirk camron was asked a question and answered it the best way he could with out TRYING to piss people off and for that i more then give him kudos but like i said just because i agree with him on that doesn't mean i agree with him on everything i am a person who depending on what you ask me will depend on what my answer is unlike my mom who if the bible says it it must be right and true no ifs ands or butts im not saying those who think that way are wrong,bad,or anything else im saying its not how i think .sorry if this seems to be a rant but after watching another clip jabbing at kirk and a politiclly fueled debate (and i use that word loosely) with my mom i thought i would let the world know where i stand and open up the discussion to anything that those involve