I AM 1IN10

They say 1 in 10 girls/women will be sexually assaulted 6 years ago i became one of those statistics i was on a date with a guy i knew like to "mess around" i was the normal 16 year old girl but there were lines i wouldn't cross and because i knew what kind of guy he was i took my best friend with me we went to see a movie,we sat at one end and she sat at the other she was there just to make sure i felt safe,during this movie we cuddled kissed,and then what i should have known was going to happen did he wanted more i said no he said"come on you know you want to" and at that time he exposed himself  and because we were in a movie no one else could see what he was doing,he kept on and kept on asking i kept saying no but i guess some guys don't know what that means because the last time he asked i said no and he said"look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to" i looked him in the eye and told i didn't want to but i guess he didn't believe me because at that point he  forced my head into his crotch and forced me to give him oral sex and afterwards he went back to watching the movie then got a text message and left ,he left me sitting there by my self when he left i told my friend what had happened,i decided not to tell anyone or report it because i felt that it was my fault, maybe i had done something wrong to make him think that even when i said no i meant yes,i thought of my past with him i had dated him ,i had even went to church with him,was there something in my past with him that made him think he could cross that line ,that i would be OK with it after.people have asked me why i didn't scream,shout,leave, do something to bring attention to what was happening to me, i think if the situation were different if we weren't in a movie theater in a kids movie surrounded by young children and their parents ,yes if the situation couldn't seem worse it was i was scared to the point i didn't know if i could run even if i wanted to and i knew i was in a room full of children who to this day thankfully didn't know what was happening to me .after it happened i went home and sat in the shower and cried and asked god why,did i do something that made me an easy target to this guy,it didn't get easier because when i went dancing with my friends and my cousin i saw him there acting like he didn't have a care in the world, i broke down and started to have a panic attack at the dance club and when i told my cousin what had happened i will never forget what she did she walked on the dance floor where he was dancing with a girl and started screaming at him not caring that she was being stared at by at least a 100 people and for the first time someone believed me someone didn't ask what i had done to make this guy think it was OK but even after that i would still see him in public he would call my cell phone and even though i didn't have his info saved i knew as soon as the number came up who it was and every time my phone would ring my heart would jump with fear i was scared to answer numbers i didn't know for fear it was him ,there was even a night where he called so many times i sat on my bed and cried because i just wanted it to stop ,when ever i would see him in public i would have panic attacks and what made it worse is even to this day i had only told a hand full of people what had happened so when i would have a panic attack i couldn't tell anyone what was bothering me i couldn't explain why i was frozen with fear ,what makes the situation worse is 2 years later me and the same friend who was with me that day couldn't find a ride home so we called a friend who lived in town and asked to stay at his place on his couch he agreed but told me he had a roommate and then told me who it was my friend told me she would protect me if he tried anything but it wasn't me who needed protection,because that night the guy who had sexually assaulted me raped my best friend while i was in the next room and i didn't know what had happened till the next day and when she told me and when she told  him she was pregnant he said if she told anyone he would sue her for slander my friend miscarried and to this day i blame my self for what happened to her i knew what he was capable of and i still let us stay there i should have known something bad would happen after that i was the target of his harassment even when i was 18 and he saw me in a club he would yell profanities at me and call me names,to this day he thinks he did nothing wrong and acts as though we are friends i just don't get it how can someone be such a monster and think its OK that "they wanted it" .

 writing this didn't come out of no where some one told me the other day while were discussing a molestation case that had made the news  maybe i should argue some thing i actually knew about ,this person didn't know what had happened to me but it hurt me so bad that i did what i had done the day it happened to me i sat in the shower and cried ,when a child tells someone they have been molested or sexually assaulted no one doubts them and the first thing they are told the majority of the time is "its not your fault" but when a 16 year old girl says she has been sexually assaulted "its not your fault" is the last thing she's told and i would know of the people i have told only a few didn't ask what had i been doing before that lead him on .i hope that if anyone reads this and is able to not be afraid to speak if it happens to them and because i will one day have to tell my daughter what happened to me and let her know that if god forbid something should happen to her she should never feel ashamed or feel like it is her fault and i want her to feel that myself of all people would understand anything she tells me .

TO MY FAMILY THAT READS THIS I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO BE OK WITH TALKING ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE ELSE I AM WILLING TO TALK TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO TALK